Once again I’m in Panera. This time under a similar, much more daunting and heart-wrenching experience than last time.
I’m smack in the middle of a true faith test. And it hurts.
I’ve been in a similar storm before, nonetheless, I’m still heart-broken. I’m facing a big decision, and my friends and family can testify, this isn’t my strong suit.
The pressure during decision-making times comes from all over, including from myself; and often times, as in this case, it’s so overwhelming I collapsed from fear of screwing up and displeasing God.
The fear of not being honest with myself but also accepting that I don’t know what I want is unexplainable. The more honest I am, the more messy it seems to make everything.
This time around, I couldn’t log into my WordPress account so I had to reset my password. As I tried, it said my requested password wasn’t difficult enough and kicked back a suggested password that looked like the following:
Seriously? So I reset my password to JesusHelp (*has since been changed, so don’t try it:)
And then I landed on this neglected blog account of mine, where I wrote about the last big decision I had to make. I smiled inside because the irony felt all too coincidental. The cool part is I can stand and say that I made a really good decision a few days after posting that blog.
I ended up moving back to Nashville and getting a job within 1 week of being back via social media. Twitter to be exact. It’s a quick, great story I’m more than happy to share with you if you ask me about it.
I faced fear that day. I made a decision and I went with it. And when I decided, I decided. I moved home the next day at 5 am. My heart lead, I just followed.
Now, as I sit here contemplating what I’m suppose to do next, I’m hurting. There is loss with every decision, but this one decision involves a huge loss I’m not sure I could ever get over should I screw it up.
“What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.”
Here’s to faith. Here’s to sitting in the trenches of pain, loss, grief, hope, unanswered and answered prayers.
Here’s to the daunting challenge of waiting. And here’s to “God loves me regardless.”